Why Perfectionists NEED To Live A Values-Based Life If They Want To Be Happy
I am a big believer that living a values-based life is the best thing that a recovering perfectionist can do.
Mastering the art of values-based living will enable you to switch your mindset from an unhealthy goals-driven view to a healthier consistent values-driven approach. It will enable you to let go of your perfectionism and actually ENJOY the journey of life.
I can’t preach about it enough. In fact, as a Mindset and Productivity coach for perfectionists, I encourage all of my clients to identify their values and start setting realistic goals that are in alignment with them.
I’ve personally benefited from this approach and I’ve seen how quickly my client’s confidence and trust in themselves grow once they implement this way of thinking.
This page might contain affiliate links. In the event of a sale, I will be awarded a small commission (at no extra cost to you).
Common traits of perfectionism
If you’re new to this blog then you’re probably going to be asking yourself: ‘Am I a perfectionist?’.
So many perfectionists go through life never really realising that the cycles of go-go-go and burnout are symptoms of perfectionism. They wonder why other people don’t think like them and they tie their self-worth to their achievements because it’s the only thing they know how to do.
It’s a lonely road.
Luckily for you, I will break down a few of the common traits of perfectionism:
You might be a perfectionist if you…
- Go through cycles of go-go-go and burnout
- Procrastinate by ‘researching’ obsessively on YouTube, google and Reddit before you make a decision because you’re scared of getting things wrong
- Never feel good enough no matter how hard you try
- Are always chasing the next goal and never sit down to celebrate your wins
- Tie your self-worth to your career, education or achievements
- Have a BIG fear of failure that keeps you up at night
- Hate giving up control and constantly trying to micromanage things
These are some of the most common signs of perfectionism and I highly recommend you read this Psychology Today article to find out more.
Related Post: 7 easy ways for perfectionists to increase their self-awareness
Why are perfectionists unhappy?
Most perfectionists I meet are often unhappy. They know that they can’t keep living life the way that they are currently living it but they feel trapped and stuck repeating the same cycles.
Recognising the patterns of perfectionism is the first step to breaking the cycle and finally being happy and fulfilled in life.
1. Your standards are unrealistically high
You keep setting exceptionally high and often unattainable standards for yourself and others which result in you constantly feeling disappointed and frustrated when these standards aren’t met.
Which basically results in your day-to-day life consisting of being chronically dissatisfied.
2. Your fear of failure causes you to never reach your full potential
You are absolutely terrified of making mistakes so you procrastinate, avoid new challenges and refuse to take risks which limits your personal and professional growth.
For example, you would rather stay in a job you hate than take the risk and pivot in your career. The thought of trying and failing to do something that you love is just too painful to bear so you stay safe and unhappy.
3. Your perfectionism causes you to suffer from poor mental health
You may have unhealthy coping mechanisms for managing your stress levels which result in increased feelings of pressure.
Here are a few unhealthy coping mechanisms perfectionists may fall into:
- Overworking
- Unhealthy eating habits
- Substance abuse
- Isolation and avoidance
- Neglecting your self-care
- Doom scrolling on social media
Over time these unhealthy coping mechanisms will erode your mental health and could result in an increased chance of depression and anxiety.
4. Your goals-driven thinking results in you constantly burning out
You tend to focus solely on the end result rather than the journey of achieving things which means you never give yourself the chance to enjoy the process of learning and developing.
You place so much pressure on the goal itself that you barely celebrate your success when you do eventually achieve your desired outcome. The moment the box is checked off you’re already thinking about the next goal and the next goal and the next goal…
Related Post: 5 energy management techniques to elevate your life
5. You struggle to have authentic connections and relationships with others
You’re lonely.
You neglect spending time with others and developing deep vulnerable connections because you’re scared it would take you further away from your goals.
This is fueled by your ‘if-then’ mentality when it comes to building friendships and relationships with others. For example, ‘if I become successful, then people will like me’. So you become super career-focused bypassing those connections hoping that people will finally see you when you tick off those goals.
Related Post: Importance of values in a relationship: Secrets of a happy life
Perfectionism is just so damn exhausting!
Battling with perfectionism is a long lonely road, and many perfectionists have no idea HOW to start their healing journey which is why they remain unhappy for many years.
For me, my perfectionism served me ‘well’ for years so even though I was unhappy I still managed to tick off my goals e.g. go to a top uni, get a distinction in my masters, climb up the career ladder etc…
I only decided to start my healing journey when I reached the point where the thought of continuing to live my life the exact same way was MORE PAINFUL than the thought of trying something new.
Which is why I started researching what it meant to live a values-based life.
What is values-based living?
Living a values-based life is actually pretty simple at its core. It’s all about aligning your actions, decisions and goals with your core values.
Your values are basically your fundamental beliefs and principles. You need to be able to check in with yourself, mind and body, to figure out what decisions and choices feel most authentic to you.
I’ve noticed that a lot of perfectionists are clueless about their values which is why they latch on to external goals and metrics to determine their worth.
Values are internal and are unique to you and your experience of the world – it is the WHY behind your decisions.
Related Post: Start living a values-based life to be successful
The difference between goals-based living and values-based living
If you’re a perfectionist, you probably have a very goals-based view of life which is driving your desire to keep overworking yourself to burnout.
Switching from a goals-based mindset to a values-based mindset will speed up your healing journey tremendously.
At the start of my healing journey, I read A LOT of self-development books and had a lot of therapy but it wasn’t until I started learning about values-based living my life started to change. It was the missing piece of the puzzle and I was able to finally implement all of the tools and knowledge I had gained in the past.
That is why I HIGHLY recommend you start your healing journey with your values first.
Goals-based living is:
- Focused on achieving specific outcomes, goals and milestones
- Based on external metrics such as career, financial gain and fitness targets
- It’s about the destination and WHAT you achieve
Values-based living is:
- Focused on living in alignment with personal values and principles
- Based on internal metrics such as integrity, kindness and personal growth
- It’s about the journey and HOW you choose to live your life
Related Post: Values-based living: 13 quotes to empower your life
Okay, but I don’t know what my values are?!
It’s quite easy to find out your values but you have to be prepared to be COMPLETELY HONEST with yourself and it is A LOT harder than it looks.
You have to ask yourself very deep questions and you might be surprised by what comes up for you especially if you’ve spent most of your life putting your needs behind everyone else’s.
I recommend you find a quiet space, make yourself a cup of tea and pull out your journal. It’s time to go deep!
Here are a few questions you can ask yourself to find out your values:
- What activities bring you the most joy in life?
- What qualities do you admire most in others?
- What issues or causes are you most passionate about?
- What do you spend most of your time thinking about or doing?
- If you had to teach a class on one thing, what would it be and why?
- What would you regret not doing, being or having in your life?
P.S. I have a completely FREE workbook designed specifically for perfectionists to help you identify your values and start untangling your self-worth from your career/achievements. You can get your FREE Values Over Perfection workbook by clicking HERE. You’ll also get a list of nearly 100 values to pick from!
Top 10 values in life
If you’re completely stuck on deciding what your values are here is a list of the 10 most common values I’ve seen clients have:
- Integrity
- Respect
- Family
- Growth
- Creativity
- Courage
- Community
- Faith
- Balance
- Adventure
Remember, you can download my FREE Values Over Perfection workbook to see a list of nearly 100 values!
Why it is important to live your life aligned with your values
There are so many benefits to living a values-based life, especially for perfectionists.
- Reduces anxiety and stress
- Increases authenticity
- More fulfilment
- Better decision making
- Improved resilience
- Healthier connections and relationships
- Development of a growth mindset
- Freeing yourself from the rat race of life
- Untangling your self-worth from your achievements
- Stronger self-concept
Related Post: How to be productive every day – 13 ESSENTIAL mindset shifts!
I hope you enjoy this post for perfectionists who want to live a values-based life
If you would like more comprehensive support, personalised guidance and accountability in your journey to living a values-based life, I recommend you sign up for my 1:1 coaching.
As a Mindset and Productivity Coach, I’m here to help you navigate your challenges, celebrate your successes and challenge the limiting beliefs holding you back from achieving your goals.
I will also work with you to create a mindful productivity system that is aligned with your personal values and stops you from feeling overwhelmed.
It’s time to untangle your self-worth from your achievements and live an intentional life without burnout.
Remember, investing in yourself is one of the most valuable commitments you can make in life.
Check out my podcast, The Valued Life for Perfectionists if you would like to find out more information.
Book recommendations for perfectionists who want to live a values-based life
- The body keeps the score by Bessel van der Kolk
- Atomic Habits by James Clear
- 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey
- How to do the work by Nicole Lepera
- Think like a monk by Jay Shetty
- Yoga and the quest for the true self by Stephen Cope
- The gift of imperfection by Brené Brown
This page might contain affiliate links. In the event of a sale, I will be awarded a small commission (at no extra cost to you).
