How To Deal With Mistakes as a Perfectionist

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If you want to learn how to deal with mistakes as a perfectionist, then look no further!

Mistakes are an inevitable part of life but for perfectionists, it can often feel like the end of the world.

As a recovering perfectionist, and Mindset and Productivity Coach specifically for perfectionists, I have hand-crafted a straightforward list of things you can do to get over your fear of making mistakes.

I managed to completely reframe my mindset around making mistakes and I help my clients do the same. Maybe I’m a bit weird but I kinda love making mistakes (within reason) because it means I can learn something new and speed up my growth trajectory.

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Common signs of being a perfectionist

There are so many ways that perfectionism manifests itself in our lives and if you’re not careful, it can hold you back from reaching your full potential.

Common signs of perfectionism include:

Fear of failure
Procrastination on important tasks
Setting unrealistically high standards
Going through cycles of go-go-go and burnout
Being highly critical of yourself
Taking too long on tasks and focusing on minor flaws

For many years I had NO IDEA I was a perfectionist. I honestly thought the issues and cycles I was going through for many years were just normal symptoms of working hard towards my goals.

I thought it was a high achiever problem.

Until one day I realised I couldn’t continue living like this and then I started my healing journey and bit by bit untangled the grip of perfectionism.

What do mistakes mean to perfectionists?

For perfectionists, mistakes can feel catastrophic because they interpret the errors as personal failures rather than just simple mistakes. Perfectionists tend to have a fixed mindset when it comes to their own mistakes and take it personally when they mess up.

Mistakes become a big deal because it means they are inadequate or incompetent and they add it to the ‘not good enough’ evidence pile which is a common limiting belief.

This mindset can lead to intense feelings of shame, guilt and anxiety which can further add to their self-esteem issues and identity.

If you’re a perfectionist, you probably know the shame spiral very well. It is a horrible horrible feeling and I know from experience how hard I tried to avoid making mistakes so that I wouldn’t go down that road.

As a result, many of us will go to extreme lengths to avoid making mistakes even if it means missing out on amazing learning experiences and opportunities for growth.

Why do some perfectionists struggle with being wrong?

Many perfectionists HATE being wrong because they tie their self-worth to their achievements. This means a mistake is NOT a mistake, it is admitting a fundamental flaw in themselves.

Also, having a fixed mindset means, that they see their abilities as unchangeable and core to who they are which means mistakes can heavily threaten their identity

You’ve probably been there before when someone has pointed out a mistake you have made and it triggers defensiveness and a whole existential crisis.

It might be because you grew up in a household where mistakes were severely punished so you grew up believing that being wrong is unacceptable.

Or maybe, the education system did a number on you.

Either way…

In order to overcome this toxic mindset, you will need to start to develop a growth mindset towards mistakes – seeing them as opportunities for growth and development rather than attaching any meaning to them personally.

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9 Ways to Deal with Mistakes as a Perfectionist

1. Adopt a growth mindset

Adopting a growth mindset is all about viewing mistakes as opportunities to learn and grow rather than setbacks that hold you back.

It is a theory that was popularised by psychologist Carol Dweck, and I highly recommend you check out her TED Talk called ‘The power of believing that you can improve’.

You will need to take the time to reframe your mistakes as a natural part of the learning process and trust me that is A LOT harder than it looks.

Because let’s be real, when a mistake first happens, the pang in your chest is quite hard to ignore and making the conscious decision to stop catastrophising and start seeing the positive is a bit of a stretch.

So here are some easy things I recommend you to do:

Identify the mistake and break it down into smaller chunks. For example, was it one massive mistake or was it a series of tiny mistakes that followed on from each other
Write down a ‘pros and cons’ list for your mistakes. For example, write a list of your mistakes on one side of the paper and then on the other side write down all of the things you have learnt from making this mistake.
Ask yourself questions such as ‘What can I learn from this experience?’ and ‘How can I do better next time?’

2. Practise mindfulness

Mindfulness is all about paying attention to the present moment without judgment. There are so many ways to practise mindfulness but the most common by far is through meditation.

You need to learn how to sit with your thoughts and feelings when you make a mistake and aim to be an ‘objective observer’.

Over time your emotions will feel less intense and you’ll be able to start the process of forgiving yourself and moving on more quickly.

I’ve found incorporating mindfulness into my productivity system helps me to stay focused on my long-term goals rather than panicking at the first sign of things going wrong. Basically, it helped me put things into perspective and reduced my overall stress levels.

Here are some simple steps you can take to implement mindfulness into your routine:

Try to meditate daily for 5-10 minutes using apps such as Headspace or Calm. I like to meditate first thing in the morning or right before bed because it helps me start the day/next day in a good mindset.
When you make a mistake, take a moment to focus on your breath and only your breath until you feel yourself calming down.
Then take the time to observe your thoughts as they pop into your mind and mentally note any emotions that come up without reacting to them

3. Challenge your limiting beliefs around mistakes

I’ve noticed that most perfectionists have 3 very common limiting beliefs:

I am not good enough
I am a failure
I must be perfect to be worthy

Limiting beliefs are negative assumptions that you base your thoughts and feelings on in your day-to-day life.

These beliefs tend to get stronger and louder whenever you make a mistake which is why it is important to challenge these limiting beliefs when they come up.

Challenging these beliefs will help you replace your negative thoughts with more realistic, positive ones and will help you further develop your growth mindset.

Here’s my 4 step process for challenging limiting beliefs:

Identify the limiting belief: be specific and note the situation that caused this belief to be triggered. For example, you made a mistake on a project and the limiting belief is that ‘you are a failure’.

Consider the meaning/story you are attributing to this belief. For example, you might make it mean that you are failing at your job because you must never make mistakes at work.

Question the belief: can you know with certainty that this is true? For example, does making a mistake automatically mean you are bad at your job? Is it realistic to believe you must never make mistakes at work?

Find 3 pieces of evidence against your limiting belief. Could there be less painful interpretations to this situation that are as true as your assumption, if not truer? For example, you have evidence that you are good at your job because you get great feedback from your coworkers and positive manager reviews.

4. Gamify your mistakes and take small risks

I LOVE games so this is my favourite tip for dealing with mistakes as a perfectionist.

Gamifying your mistakes basically involves treating them like part of the game and each mistake is a new chance to learn a new skill.

It is a type of reframing that falls under challenging your limiting beliefs and adopting a growth mindset.

When you see life as a long-term game, the small details and the mistakes in between feel less serious which means you can have a bit of fun with them.

For example, I make an effort to pick up new activities that I KNOW I will be bad at just to see how I adapt and learn from them.

A recent example is that I decided to learn how to draw just to see what would happen. The result was a bunch of absolutely terrible drawings that will never see the light of day but also a newfound appreciation for nature, mindfulness and social media detoxes.

If I had gone into my drawing lessons with a fixed mindset and a fear of failure, I would have been so focused on doing everything ‘right’ that I wouldn’t have been able to appreciate the act of trying something new.

Here is how you can gamify your mistakes:

Create a points system: you can assign points to different types of mistakes based on their difficulty and your ability to learn from them. For example, if you made a moderately sized mistake at work and instead of having a meltdown, you owned up to it and found a solution quickly – give yourself 10 points. Make sure you reward yourself when you accumulate a certain amount of points!
Set small challenges: pick 1 small challenge in each area of your life that will push you out of your comfort zone. For example, a new hobby, communicating a boundary or even presenting an idea at work. Give yourself points for taking a risk even if it doesn’t go to plan.
Evaluate your progress: I like to use my bullet journal to conduct weekly and monthly reviews on my progress but you can use spreadsheets or any other system. Try to keep a record of the mini risks you have taken and reflect on the lessons you have learnt.

5. Set realistic goals

Setting realistic goals is one of the MOST important things for perfectionists and when they get over this big hurdle they are able to thrive in all areas of their life.

Unrealistic goals set you up for failure because you’re more likely to make mistakes trying to reach them.

Learning how to set realistic goals and actually implement your lessons learnt will reduce the pressure you put on yourself to be ‘perfect’ and mistakes will be put into perspective.

Top Tips on Setting Realistic Goals:

Use the adapted SMART(ER) goal-setting criteria (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Time-bound, Empowering and Reflective) to set realistic but challenging goals
Create goals that align with your values because it will help you see the bigger picture when you make a mistake
Break down your tasks into smaller manageable chunks and try using batching/time-blocking techniques to help you
Regularly review your progress and make amendments

6. Find a mentor

Getting mentorship changed my life for the better and I highly recommend you find a mentor if you want to fast-track your ability to deal with mistakes.

A mentor can provide you with valuable guidance and support as you work towards your goals. Normally, a mentor is someone who is a couple of steps ahead of you in your career/life journey which means they can share their own insights, and lessons learnt and provide relevant constructive feedback.

I’ve had quite a few mentors in my life and I can honestly say I wouldn’t be where I am in my career without them. They helped me put my mistakes into perspective and focus on the long-term plan rather than crumbling into a pit of despair.

Use this approach:

Identify potential mentors: is there anyone in your life that you admire and respect? Try to reach out to them on LinkedIn, email or networking events. I’ve found a couple of mentors from professional membership groups.
Ask your mentor for specific advice on certain mistakes you have made and listen carefully to their experiences. Make notes if you need to!
Use other resources such as listening to podcasts, reading books, and attending conferences to learn from industry experts.
Take responsibility for scheduling regular meetings with your mentor to discuss your progress and challenges. Don’t wait for them to charge, do it yourself!

7. Realign your values

It is important to regularly check in with yourself to determine if your actions and goals are in alignment with your values.

Your values are the core things that are important to you. For example, family, integrity, kindness, learning, duty etc..

We all have different values and rank some values higher than others.

Many perfectionists lose sight of their values because they tie their self-worth to their achievements. They spend years chasing goal after goal until one day they realise they have strayed far away from WHO they truly are.

Realigning your life to your values will help you deprioritise perfection and flawlessness and reprioritise other things like wellbeing and growth.

You’ll also be able to realise that the mistake is minor in the grand scheme of things because your values-based goals are more important.

Here are some things you can do:

Identify your core values: download my FREE Values Over Perfection workbook to help you start your realignment process and you can also read this blog post to find out more.
Develop a regular journal habit where you evaluate whether you have been living in alignment with your values
Set goals that are in alignment with your values rather than trying to bend your values to fit your goals.

8. Develop a mantra or a motto

Creating a personal mantra or motto is a powerful way to calm down your nervous system and handle mistakes more gracefully.

I love using simple mantras, phrases and mottos whenever I make a mistake because it helps put things into perspective and is personal to me.

For example, a mantra is a simple positive phrase that you repeat to yourself to reinforce a particular mindset.

Whenever I make a mistake, instead of beating myself up about it, I say ‘It is what it is’ and then I find a way to rectify the situation and move on.

Another motto I have is based on Jhene Aiko’s song W.A.Y.S which stands for ‘Why aren’t you smiling?’ It is hands down one of my favourite songs to listen to when I feel like my mistakes are crashing down on me and there’s a part where she repeats ‘you gotta keep going’ over and over again. That part of the song is embedded into my brain.

It’s so simple but yet so freeing.

Here are some examples of common mantras/mottos

It is what it is
You only live once
Live and let live
Let go and let God
This too shall pass
Progress, not perfection
Every step counts
I am enough as I am
Perfection is an illusion

Top Tips for finding and using your mantras/mottos

Your mantra should be short and simple so it is easy for you to remember when you feel stressed out over a mistake.
Make it meaningful: choose words that resonate with your unique experiences. For example, something you saw in a movie, read in a book, heard a family member say
Repeat it in your daily routine via morning reflections, meditations or whenever you face a challenge. You can even print it off and stick it on your wall or bullet journal

9. Own up to your mistake

This pretty much goes without saying but you MUST own up to your mistakes when you make them. Ignoring them and deflecting them only prolongs the shame and guilt you will feel in the long run.

It’s not worth it. Trust me!

You need to take responsibility for your actions without letting your ego get in the way. When you own up to your mistakes you take back control and break the cycle of being a victim which means you can be part of the solution.

This step might be the hardest step to actually do because it requires integrity, accountability and a combination of all of the other methods I have listed above.

At the end of the day, you are neither your success nor your failures. You are you. A human being on this journey called life and owning up to your mistakes frees you to live up to your full potential.

Some of my most uncomfortable experiences have been when I owned up to a mistake but the lessons and the growth I experienced afterwards made it worth it 10 times over.

Here are some steps you can implement:

Acknowledge your mistake and take responsibility for it without blaming others or making excuses
Apologise if you need to: take the time to sincerely apologise to anyone who your mistake has impacted and explain how you will make the situation better. I recommend you learn about the different apology languages to help you find a solution.
Learn from your mistakes and how you communicated your mistakes to others. For example, the first time owning up to a mistake with integrity may feel awkward but with time you will see the value in it
Create a clear action plan for how you are going to implement any changes
Let it go, you’ve done all that you can do and now focus on moving forward.

Check out this funny story about making mistakes

While you’re here, I wanted to share with you a funny story I heard about Sara Blakley. She is the founder of Spanx and has been open about some of her business mistakes at the start of her career.

I recommend you read this article where she shares one particular blunder she had on live TV in the UK which I find quite hilarious as a British person.

Hopefully, that article will put things in perspective when you think about your most recent mistake!

Join the community of healing perfectionists

If you would like to receive productivity and self-development tips designed specifically for perfectionists PLUS exclusive coaching offers join my weekly newsletter ‘The Sunday Reset’.

Remember, you are the ONLY person you are going to be with for your whole entire life, so you might as well invest in yourself.

Investing in yourself can be in the form of coaching, courses, reading, journaling, practising self-care and many more things.

Book recommendations for perfectionists

Think Like a Monk by Jay Shetty
The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
How to do the work by Nicole Lepera
7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey
Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers

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How To Deal With Mistakes as a Perfectionist – 9 Simple Ways!

Common signs of being a perfectionist

What do mistakes mean to perfectionists?

Why do some perfectionists struggle with being wrong?