Handling criticism as a perfectionist is a big struggle. For most perfectionists, criticism feels like the worst possible thing because we infer that it means we are not good enough.
As a recovering perfectionist (and Mindset & Productivity Coach), I want you to know that that is NOT the case.
Criticism is just a part of life that you can’t avoid and finding healthy ways to deal with it is going to make your life a lot better.
In this article, I go through steps to help you manage criticism like a boss, covering topics such as regulating emotions, challenging stories, setting boundaries and deciding whether to accept or reject the criticism.
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You can’t avoid criticism in life
If you think you can go through life without ever experiencing any form of criticism you are going to be severely disappointed. Criticism is an unavoidable thing. You may be criticised justifiably, unjustifiably, nicely, harshly, constructively and even rudely.
It doesn’t matter how the criticism is delivered because the fact is that it will be delivered in some form.
Many of my perfectionist clients think that if they can do things perfectly and make no mistakes they will be able to avoid criticism. They also subconsciously tie their self-worth to their achievements which means any form of criticism feels like a punch to the gut.
The truth is no matter how hard you try to meet everyone’s standards or avoid mistakes there will always be someone who has a different opinion than you and that’s okay.
The sooner you realise that criticism is just a part of life, the sooner you will be able to work on your goals and live a fulfilling life in alignment with your values.
Why perfectionists struggle with criticism
If you’re a perfectionist, criticism challenges your core belief that you must always be perfect and meet the highest standards. You may even enter a shame spiral because criticism feels like a personal attack on your worth and abilities.
It’s an incredibly painful experience to feel like your work isn’t good enough and doesn’t meet another person’s standard/expectation.
Reasons why you might struggle with criticism
- All-or-nothing thinking: you can’t see the grey area so you take all criticism onboard and assume that you must be bad at what you do
- Fear of failure: you see criticism as a sign of failure
- Self-worth tied to achievements: your confidence is knocked down when you receive criticism because you feel like you are not good enough
- People-pleasing: criticism feels like rejection and judgement from your peers
Signs you’re overreacting or being defensive
If you want to deal with criticism appropriately, you need to become self-aware enough to realise when you are overreacting or being overly defensive.
- Big emotional reactions e.g. rage and intense sadness
- Feeling personally attacked rather than noting it as a comment on your behaviour e.g. feeling resentment or betrayal
- Rushing to defend yourself: instead of listening to the criticism you jump right into defending yourself in order to protect your self-image
- Shutting down/ avoidance: you feel overwhelmed by the information so you avoid it completely
- Blaming others is a big sign of defensiveness as it deflects responsibility and stops you from actually taking accountability
- Overgeneralising the feedback: you immediately jump to extreme thinking patterns such as ‘I always mess up’ or ‘I’m never good enough’
- Fixating on the negative: you find it difficult to discern when to accept or reject feedback and instead choose to fixate on the negative aspects
How to handle criticism gracefully
1. Accept that no one can make you feel anything
This is a big step to take when shifting your mindset around criticism. You need to understand that no one can make you feel anything. Your emotional responses are under your control — they arise in you by you.
For example, you might feel hurt after hearing someone say they didn’t like your dress but they didn’t make you feel hurt. You felt hurt because you interpreted their words to be a personal attack due to your limiting beliefs and interpretations (due to other life experiences e.g. childhood etc…). If you didn’t have this prior programming you might’ve reacted by shrugging their comments off because you like your dress and that’s all that matters since you’re the only one wearing it.
It’s like the famous Eleanor Roosevelt quote ‘No one can make you feel inferior without your consent’. By understanding that your emotions are your own, you empower yourself to respond to criticism in a healthier and more constructive manner.
2. Thank them for sharing their opinion and/or seek clarification if needed
If you receive constructive criticism then thanking them and expressing gratitude for the feedback is a good way to acknowledge the effort someone has put into offering their perspective.
OBVIOUSLY, if someone went out of their way to be rude to you then you don’t need to do this step at all. Unless you WANT to ‘kill ‘em with kindness’, then go ahead! Spreading love and positivity is always a gracious thing to do even with people who don’t deserve it!
But anyway, when you thank someone for their feedback it completely shifts the dynamic from confrontation to collaboration and it also gives you some time to process the feedback calmly.
Seeking clarification will help you figure out the intent behind the criticism and help you evaluate its validity and usefulness (step 6).
Things you can say:
- Thank you for sharing your thoughts
- Thanks for taking the time to explain this to me, I appreciate the effort
- Could you give me an example of what you mean?
- Can you clarify what you think I could improve?
3. Don’t try to immediately defend yourself
Whatever you do… RESIST the urge to defend yourself! You want to give yourself as much time to process and evaluate the feedback as possible.
When you defend yourself you might escalate the situation and create unnecessary conflict.
Instead, you want to appear cool, calm and collected. Take some time to create space and distance between the criticism so that you can take a more thoughtful and measured response. This works especially well in workplace environments when your image is important.
I’m not saying you have to sit there and take abuse. Absolutely not. But I am saying you need to stop your ego from jumping in to protect you. There’s nothing worse than getting all worked up and defensive to someone who was just trying to help you especially when you’re in the wrong. Trust me, I’ve been there and the embarrassment I felt afterwards wasn’t worth it.
You can say: I’d like to take some time to think about what you’ve said before I respond.
4. Regulate your emotions by practising mindfulness
There is a BIG difference between reacting and responding. You should always aim to respond to situations rather than react. Reacting is highly emotional and may cause you to say or do things you’ll regret.
So your best bet is to take some time to pause, reflect and regulate your emotions.
Mindfulness is all about staying present and fully engaged in the moment without judging yourself. It’s a great way to calm yourself down and put some distance between your initial reaction so that you can respond more constructively.
There are many different ways to practise mindfulness but the 2 main activities I recommend are deep breathing and grounding exercises such as these:
- Breathing exercise:
- Breathe in through your nose for a count of 5
- Breathe out through your mouth for a count of 5
- Repeat the process while thinking about the air travelling through your body
- Think about the sensations you feel as you breathe in and out
- 5 senses grounding exercise
- Find 5 things you can see and focus on the details of each item
- Think about 4 things you can touch/feel e.g. clothes, chair, feet on the ground etc…
- Notice 3 things you can hear e.g. voices, background noises, your own breathing
- Pay attention to 2 things you can smell (if you can’t smell anything, think of a smell from the past)
- Notice 1 thing you can taste e.g. toothpaste, lunch or even no taste
5. Challenge the story you are telling yourself
The stories you tell yourself about the criticism you receive are the difference between moving forward and staying stuck. This step is VERY important.
If you’re a perfectionist, you probably already have these limiting beliefs that you’re ‘not good enough’ or ‘must be perfect to receive approval’. These beliefs will be the ones that get triggered when you receive criticism.
Showing self-compassion and actively challenging the stories/narrative you are telling yourself will enable you to break your self-defeating and self-blaming attitude and think about your next steps.
- Identify the story you’re telling yourself e.g. ‘I’m not good enough’
- Challenge the story: does receiving criticism always mean you are not good enough? Is it realistic to be perfect all the time? Could there be a less painful reason why you have received criticism? What would I say to a friend who was thinking this way?
- Reframe the situation: e.g. say ‘I’m still learning and I can learn from this experience’
- Gather evidence: find 3 pieces of evidence that challenge your limiting belief. For example, 3 times you felt like you were good enough e.g. received a promotion at work, someone complimented you on the train and you completed a spin class in the morning
6. Decide what to accept and reject
Just because someone has an opinion about you it doesn’t mean you have to accept it or even pay it any attention.
Some criticism is just mean and a representation of the pain that is going on in that person’s life and has NOTHING to do with you despite how it might feel.
Ask yourself:
- Is this criticism coming from a reliable source?
- Does this align with my values and goals?
- If yes to both, how can incorporate them into my actions
- If not to both, why are you holding on to this person’s criticism?
7. Set boundaries with unhelpful criticism
It is important to set boundaries with people who are constantly giving you unhelpful criticism which is why the previous step is so important. Once you are able to recognise unhelpful criticism you can politely but firmly set a boundary.
Boundaries are designed to protect you. You can’t force other people to behave in a certain way BUT you can decide what behaviour you will and won’t tolerate.
For example, you can say something like: I appreciate your input, but I’m focusing only on feedback related to SPECIFIC TOPIC right now.
Or if you want to be a bit more thorough, I recommend you learn how to use nonviolent communication scripts (I always recommend this book to my clients ‘nonviolent communication’ by Marshall B Rosenberg)
- Observation without judgement: ‘when I hear you mention the problems on our project multiple times
- Feelings: I feel quite overwhelmed and distracted
- Needs: It’s really important for me to work in a positive and focused environment
- Request: could we try to focus on finding solutions together or talk about the concerns in a more constructive way?
8. Develop a growth mindset – focus on the positive experience
Taking the steps to develop a growth mindset will put you on the right track for success in all areas of your life. A growth mindset is the belief that your abilities and intelligence can be developed through effort, learning and persistence.
If you’re a perfectionist you will probably have developed a fixed mindset around success, where you believe your abilities are static and criticism is a threat. When in reality that is not the case, there is always room to learn and grow.
The next time you receive criticism, constructive or even destructive, think about the lesson you can learn from the experience.
For example, if you received constructive criticism from your manager you could think about the ways you can implement changes into your development plan.
If you received unhelpful feedback from a person, you can think about how you learnt what NOT to do when giving feedback.
9. Reflect on the experience
Finally, reflection is important for learning and self-development ESPECIALLY for perfectionists. Leaving space in your day to journal or think through the criticism you received will help you identify the patterns you have when responding to criticism.
Over time, you’ll be able to figure out the types of criticism you’re highly sensitive to and why. As well as the strategies for dealing with criticism that work the best for you.
It’s all a learning experience.
You can ask yourself questions like:
- What was the main takeaway from the feedback?
- What could I do differently next time?
- Did I handle my emotions well?
- What type of criticism gives me the biggest emotional reaction?
- Do I need to set boundaries with a specific person?
- What story do I keep telling myself whenever I receive criticism?
Are you going to accept criticism gracefully?
Dealing with criticism is a lifelong thing and something you can’t avoid so the sooner you know how to handle it without completely unravelling, the better.
I recommend you start small, working through each step one at a time until you feel like you have control over the situation. You might find that one step is easier than the other or you have a particular resistance to a particular action.
That’s okay.
Take some time to question yourself and identify what feelings are coming up for you and why. There’s no pressure to be an unfeeling robot who takes criticism like it’s nothing. That’s not the point of this exercise. I want you to feel empowered to learn, grow and develop no matter what feedback, good or bad, comes your way.
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Related Posts:
- Where Does Perfectionism Come From?
- 3 Types of Perfectionism – Which One Are You?
- 13 Subtle Signs You’re A Perfectionist And Don’t Even Know It
- How To Make Decisions as a Perfectionist – 10 EASY steps
- How To Deal With Mistakes as a Perfectionist – 9 Simple Ways!
- 7 Important Boundaries Perfectionists NEED To Set Without Guilt!
- 11 perfectionist productivity myths you NEED To Let Go
- STOP Saying These 7 Toxic Perfectionist Phrases To Be Successful
- 87 Affirmations For Perfectionists Who Are Tired and Burned Out
