Importance of values in a relationship: Secrets of a happy life
If you want to know how to have happy fulfilling relationships then you need to understand the importance of values in a relationship.
Shared values tend to be the talking points that many people skip over in the dating phase of their relationships. Why discuss the difficult topics in life when you can focus on fun exciting new relationship energy?
However, a failure to discuss values early on can lead to more pain and heartbreak later on down the line. It is so easy to ignore major incompatibilities and obsess about the shared interests in music, movies and hobbies. Hit the ground running by understanding the importance of values in a relationship and speed up your dating vetting phase in the process.
In this blog post, we will be running through the definition of values, 9 of the main core relationship values and techniques to help you identify your and your partner’s core values.
This post is all about the importance of values in a relationship.
What are core values?
So, you might be wondering what values even are in the first place. Values are the driving force behind your decision-making (well, at least they should be!). They are the guiding foundational principles for your behaviour. Values are all about who we are and how we choose to live our lives.
Everyone is different. Some of us place more weight on some values over others. Some people are living life not in alignment with their values. For example, some people follow their parent’s values and not their own even in their adult life. This can cause major problems later on down the line in that person’s self-concept and in their relationships to others.
Some people’s values in a relationship completely oppose our own.
Values are your compass for how you navigate the ups and downs of life. They dictate how you show up in the world. This is why it is so important that your partner shares the same or similar values as you.
Related post: Start living a values-based life to be successful
The importance of values in a relationship
Now that you have a better idea about what values are, it must be pretty clear to you now about why they are so important in a relationship.
A couple having two completely different value systems will eventually find themselves going down 2 different paths in life. For example, one partner may value freedom, exploration and nomadism whereas the other partner values safety and certainty. Neither person has ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’ values; they just want different things out of life and that is okay. Sometimes love isn’t enough.
That is not to say relationships with dissimilar values are doomed to fail. For example, a husband might place more value on spending more time with his young children over climbing the career ladder and getting promotions. Whereas, his wife might place more value on security and having enough money to cover leisure and sports clubs for their children. In this case, honest and transparent communication about each other’s value system might help to bridge the gap between them and enable them to find a compromise. At the end of the day, they both want what is best for their children but have different ideas about the method of achieving that goal.
3 Reasons shared values in a relationship are important
1. Compatibility
Shared values are quite possibly the most important metric when it comes down to compatibility. Yes, shared interests and hobbies are cool but being in alignment with shared values is just on another level.
According to Dictionary.com, compatibility is defined as ‘the natural ability to live or work together in harmony because of well-matched characteristics’.
When you have compatible values with your partner you are more likely to agree with the decisions they make in how they choose to live their life. There is less likely to be regular friction about the choices they make because you will be more likely to understand the reasoning behind them.
Moreover, your value system is about who you are and what you believe is important to living a successful life. If your partner shares the same or similar value system as you then they are more likely to fully accept you for who you are and not what you can do for them.
Strongly opposing values should be considered a deal breaker because it will feel like you’re butting heads every step of the way in your relationship journey. This leads us to the next point.
2. Conflict resolution
Conflict is an unavoidable part of life and having shared values in a relationship makes it a lot easier to weather the storm.
If you have shared values of integrity, kindness and honesty you will most probably find it easier to navigate conflict than a couple with dissimilar values.
As previously mentioned, your values are all about how you decide to show up in the world. If you choose to show kindness to your partner while disagreeing with them then you are much more likely to have a positive outcome in the discussion.
If both parties highly value integrity then they are more likely to have difficult vulnerable conversations with each other which will bring them closer together.
However, if one person strongly values dependability and their partner strongly values independence issues could arise when conflict occurs. For example, during conflict, the independent partner might withdraw leaving the dependent partner to chase after them. This dynamic is exhausting for both parties and if it is not resolved, it could cause both partners to feel misunderstood and unheard.
Conflict resolution skills are important for all relationships, not just romantic but in friendships and working relationships. If you want to find out more about how to find common ground with your partner during a relationship, then I strongly recommend you read the leading relationship researcher, John Gottman’s book ‘The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work’
Related post: How to be your best self in a time of uncertainty
3. Shared goals and vision
When you have shared values with your partner you are more likely to also have shared visions and goals. For example, if both of you place emphasis on family values then you are more likely to be in agreement with how you decide to raise your family.
Furthermore, a couple with shared ‘traditional’ values is more likely to have the same vision for how they want to live their lives. For example, it would be a dumpster fire of a relationship if a husband had strong traditional values and his wife had strong ‘modern’ day values. Their goals on raising children, career and lifestyle would completely oppose each other resulting in conflict and a lack of compatibility. It doesn’t mean anyone is wrong but it does mean they have different visions of how they want to live their life.
Here is a list of common core values in a relationship
If you’re struggling to identify your core values, here is a list that will help you:
Don’t pick any more than 5!
- Growth mindset/fixed mindset
- Financial freedom
- Family
- Friendship
- Kindness
- Integrity
- Courage
- Learning
- Adventure
- Honesty
- Community
- Tradition
- Contribution
- Ambition
- Faith
- Knowledge
- Loyalty
- Recognition
- Wisdom
- Spirituality
- Service
- Innovation
- Dependability
- Trustworthiness
- Security
- Legacy
- Duty
- Safety
- Connection
- Wellbeing
- Curiosity
- Autonomy
- Patience
- Independence
- Gratitude
- Openness
- Forgiveness
- Fun
- Financial security
- Playfulness
- Generosity
Relationship Core Values quiz
If you’re struggling to identify your core values answer the following questions:
- What makes me happy?
- What is most important to me?
- Who is important to me?
- If I had unlimited money what would I do?
- What would my ideal life look like?
- What am I grateful for right now?
- What accomplishments am I most proud of?
- What can I talk about non-stop?
- What makes me angry and why?
- What do I wish I could be better at?
- Who am I when no one is watching?
- What factor takes priority when I am making a decision?
- If I only had 1 year to live what would I do and who would I spend time with?
- What do I want to get out of life and why?
- What was I put on this earth to do?
Discussing values in a relationship with your partner
Think about the key themes that come up when you answer these questions. Are there any themes that are jumping out at you?
There are no right or wrong answers because, at the end of the day, these are your values. These are the things that are important to you.
I recommend that both you and your partner answer these questions individually and then in a neutral environment discuss your answers.
If you find that some of your values are different, be inquisitive. Find out why they value the things they do and find ways to bridge the gap. One of the key components of living a happy life is seeking to understand rather than judge others.
Related post: Start living a values-based life to be successful
I hope you found the topic of this post helpful and that you now understand the importance of values in a relationship.
Remember, the sooner you find out if you and your partner have shared values, the sooner you can identify if you are truly compatible in a relationship. It will reduce the pain and heartbreak of finding out later on.
Dating and relationship book recommendations:
- The seven principles for making a marriage work – John Gottman
- How not to die alone – Logan Ury
- How to do the work – Dr Nicole LePera
- Daring Greatly – Brene Brown
- Non-Violent Communication – Marshall B Rosenberg
