7 Important Boundaries Perfectionists NEED To Set Without Guilt!

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This blog post is all about the 7 types of boundaries perfectionists need to set so they don’t lose their minds.

As a recovering perfectionist and Mindset and Productivity Coach for perfectionists, I had to learn and teach these boundaries many times over.

You will see some common boundaries listed such as time boundaries and workload boundaries but you also see some less common boundaries specifically for perfectionists such as task completion boundaries.

Boundaries are KEY for your healing journey so take some time and use the journal prompts for each boundary to help you redesign your life.

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What are boundaries?

According to the American Psychological Association (APA), boundaries are ‘a psychological demarcation that protects the integrity of an individual or group or that helps the person or group set realistic limits on participation in a relationship or activity’.

In simple terms, boundaries are the limits that we set for ourselves to protect our mental, emotional and physical wellbeing.

Boundaries help us define what behaviour and actions we will and won’t tolerate from ourselves and others.

You can’t force other people to follow your boundaries BUT you can decide to walk away if your boundaries are not being respected.

Your boundaries are FOR YOU and only you.

You need to decide what your boundaries are and then communicate your needs and expectations to others.

I’ve noticed that many perfectionists at the start of their healing journey, spend a lot of time identifying their boundaries but then forget that other people are not mind readers so they become upset when others don’t automatically change their behaviour.

That is why communication is key!

Setting boundaries is a great way to increase your confidence, self-trust and self-respect while maintaining your overall wellbeing.

Why do perfectionists struggle to set boundaries?

Many perfectionists struggle with setting boundaries because they are scared of letting other people down or being perceived as weak or a failure.

These feelings can be incredibly strong and overwhelming as they are often tied to deeply held limiting beliefs (e.g. ‘I am not good enough’, ‘I am a failure’, or ‘I must be perfect to be worthy’).

1. Fear of letting people down

You tend to seek validation from others and are worried that setting boundaries will lead to other people being disappointed in you. For example, coworkers disapproving of you for leaving work on time rather than doing overtime

2. Unrealistic high standards

You have unrealistic high standards for yourself and believe that you must meet everyone’s expectations of you in order to be liked and appreciated. For example, you want to be ‘perfect’ in the eyes of other people and the thought of being seen as a flawed human being makes you feel anxious

3. Overcommitment

You keep signing up to new classes, courses, responsibilities and tasks because you believe you must excel in all areas of your life. You often struggle to say no because you have a fear of missing out or being seen as not good enough. For example, you sign up for a new fitness class even though you know you don’t have time to do it between your academic studies and full-time work.

4. Self-worth tied to achievements

You tie your self-worth to your career/education and the approval of others so you feel guilty whenever you are not performing at the best of your ability. For example, you keep pushing yourself to go above and beyond at work so that you can get a promotion even though the stress is ruining your family relationships.

5. People-pleasing

You HATE letting other people down and will do anything to avoid conflict even if it means you have to squash your own needs and wants. This makes it hard to set boundaries because boundaries will inevitably inconvenience others. For example, you are constantly code-switching depending on who you are spending time with, you feel like you don’t have a core identity and don’t know what you need for yourself.

What Types of boundaries do perfectionists need to set?

1. Workload Boundaries

Workload boundaries are limits on the amount and type of work you will take on.

These boundaries are essential if you are someone who keeps going through cycles of go-go-go and burnout.

For example: you decide to limit the number of projects you work on at the same time because you notice a drop in quality as the number of projects increases. This boundary ensures you can work to a high but realistic standard without feeling overwhelmed

2. Selfcare Boundaries

Self-care boundaries are so important for perfectionists but are often the most neglected type of boundary.

These boundaries involve prioritising activities that contribute to your overall wellbeing e.g. scheduling regular breaks and focusing on energy-boosting activities, painting your nails etc…

For example: you will not reschedule your weekly exercise class unless there is an emergency. Another example is reserving Sundays as a day of rest and religious activities

3. Time Boundaries

Time boundaries are to help you allocate specific periods of time for different activities. These boundaries help you manage your time and ensure you have a balanced schedule that is easy to maintain.

For example: you might decide that your work day MUST finish at 6 pm at the latest and that your evenings are reserved for spending time with your family.

4. Task Completion Boundaries

Task completion boundaries involve defining clear criteria for when a task is considered finished which helps you stay focused and avoid burning out.

I know from experience that perfectionists REALLY struggle with knowing when to move on from a task because we want things to be perfect and nothing we do ever feels good enough to be considered complete.

One of the best things you can do is identify the minimum criteria for any task to be considered completed.

For example: you might decide to spend no more than 2 hours editing a report at work

5. Comparison Boundaries

Another often forgotten boundary is comparison boundaries.

Comparison boundaries are restrictions on comparing yourself to others’ work, appearance and level of success.

It’s so easy for perfectionists to get into the comparison traps which trigger shame spirals and lower your self-esteem.

You need to identify any triggering behaviours you participate in that cause you to feel less than in comparison to others.

For example, you might decide to unfollow celebrities and influencers who boast about their successes because it makes you compare your achievements with theirs. This doesn’t mean you’re bitter or jealous, it means you are protecting your peace.

6. Feedback Boundaries

Seeking feedback is a great thing and essential for developing a growth mindset, however, some perfectionists take it to an extreme level.

If you are someone who is constantly seeking feedback without critically evaluating it, then you may need to put some boundaries in place.

Feedback boundaries ensure you are able to grow and develop without feeling overwhelmed or put down.

For example: you might decide to only seek feedback from people you would ACTUALLY take advice from. If you are constantly listening to people whose lives you wouldn’t want to live you are wasting your time and energy.

7. Relationship Boundaries

Relationship boundaries are important in your professional and personal lives because they make sure you are being treated with mutual respect and care.

These boundaries also prevent you from people-pleasing and neglecting your needs in favour of other people and protect you from emotional pain and energy drain.

Relationships can be incredibly rewarding and beneficial for your growth as a person so taking the time to set these boundaries will benefit you in ways you can’t even imagine.

For example, you might decide not to take work calls during family time. Another example might be that you will not tolerate being shouted at in any scenario (personal or professional) so you will leave the room until the other person decides to communicate with you maturely.

How to set boundaries effectively without feeling guilty

In order to set boundaries effectively, you will need to increase your self-awareness and improve your communication skills.

1. Recognise your needs

There are six human needs:

Certainty: the need for comfort, security, safety and predictability
Uncertainty: the need for change, variety, adventure and unpredictability
Significance: the need to feel validated, acknowledged and respected
Love/connection: the need to feel cared for, cherished, warmth and unity
Personal growth: the need to learn, grow and develop
Contribution: the need to give to others and be part of a community

You need to reflect on each need and identify what you need to feel balanced, healthy and fulfilled.

It takes practice and over time the process of identifying your needs will become easier and faster.

I found this step to be the hardest when I started my perfectionism healing journey because I honestly didn’t know what I needed.

I spent so many years trying to be ‘perfect’ in the eyes of other people that I didn’t develop the skill of being emotionally connected with myself.

2. Start small

The healing process is a marathon and not a sprint. I’ve found the best way to start implementing boundaries into your life is to start small and start scrappy.

This means you shouldn’t go all guns blazing into setting big boundaries out of nowhere because while it may feel great at the time, you’ll get a boundary hangover where you’ll start to feel guilty and doubt all of your previous decisions. You may even go back and rescind your previous boundary

And trust me, you DON’T want to go through the pain of doing that. I’ve been there and done that and it’s just painful all around.

For example, instead of starting small and slowly building up my self-trust, I dove head first into setting a boundary with someone I thought was taking advantage of my kindness.

I then panicked, apologised and backtracked because my perfectionist limiting beliefs kicked in all at once. This resulted in them losing even more respect for me and not trusting any of the future boundaries I set with them because I had shown them my words were not to be trusted.

It also resulted in me losing respect for myself because I backtracked.

So lesson learnt!

Start small, start scrappy and slowly build up your self-trust because then when you’re ready to set those big boundaries you’ll do it with confidence and self-respect.

3. Communicate clearly

So many of my perfectionist clients tell me that they’ve communicated their boundaries with other people in their lives already but then when I ask them HOW they set those boundaries the details become blurry.

For example, briefly mentioning a boundary in vague terms while the other person is distracted watching TV or driving isn’t the best way to set a boundary!

I recommend all of my clients read the book ‘Nonviolent Communication’ by Marshall B Rosenberg because it is the ultimate guide to setting boundaries in a clear and empathetic way.

Here is a quick summary of how to communicate boundaries:

Use ‘I’ statements
State your observation about the situation in a factual way without blaming or accusing e.g. ‘I noticed…’
Share your feelings rather than your judgements about what you think the other person is thinking e.g. ‘I feel sad’, ‘I felt hurt’ rather than ‘I feel ignored’ or ‘I felt misunderstood’
Explain what need was missing e.g. ‘I needed to feel loved/appreciated/safe’
Politely request a solution: requests are different from demands so you need to understand the other person may say ‘no’. For example, ‘Please can we have a meeting to discuss my workload’

4. Be kind to yourself

Setting boundaries is hard and sticking with those boundaries is even harder. So take some time to practise self-compassion.

The first few times you set difficult boundaries it will feel painful, uncomfortable and maybe even a bit awkward but I promise you, over time things will get easier.

You need to understand that it is okay to prioritise your own needs and feeling guilty is a common reaction.

You’re not a failure if you feel guilt or shame. You are a human being experiencing the full range of human emotions and THAT’S OKAY!

Setting boundaries is a skill and a way to show up for yourself. Every time you set a boundary, you are telling yourself that you matter and you are just as important as everyone else.

If you don’t protect yourself then who will?

You should be proud of yourself for setting boundaries!

What Top 3 boundaries are you going to set?

Were there any particular boundaries that jumped out to you as you were reading this blog post? If so, make sure you make a note of them and ACTUALLY learn how to set those boundaries.

Boundaries are so important for perfectionists because we tend to push ourselves to the brink of burnout or procrastinate and waste time.

Setting boundaries and sticking with them is the best way to show yourself that you love, trust and respect yourself.

It is an important step in your healing journey, the ultimate UNSKIPPABLE step, might I add!

You can’t heal your perfectionism without setting boundaries, so you might as well start small and scrappy now.

Join the community of recovering perfectionists

If you would like to receive productivity and self-development tips designed specifically for perfectionists PLUS exclusive coaching offers join my weekly newsletter ‘The Sunday Reset’.

Remember, you are the ONLY person you are going to be with for your whole entire life, so you might as well invest in yourself.

Investing in yourself can be in the form of coaching, courses, reading, journaling, practising self-care and many more things.

Book recommendations

Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg
Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab
How To Do The Work by Dr Nicole LePera
The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel van der Kolk

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7 Important Boundaries Perfectionists NEED To Set Without Guilt!

What are boundaries?