Where Does Perfectionism Come From?

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You may be wondering to yourself ‘how did I become a perfectionist?’ especially if it’s a trait that you’ve only recently discovered in yourself.

As a recovering perfectionist and Mindset & Productivity Coach for perfectionists, I also wondered the same thing during my healing journey.

The truth is there are so many reasons why perfectionism develops in people. It could be from their family, friends, culture and religion or even the education system.

In this article, I briefly explain what perfectionism is, provide you with a rundown of the potential reasons for perfectionism and give you some journal prompts to help you identify where your traits come from.

Table of Contents

What is perfectionism?

A perfectionist is someone who has unrealistic high standards for themselves and/or other people.

The American Psychological Association (APA) defines perfectionism as ‘the tendency to demand of others or of oneself an extremely high or even flawless level of performance, in excess of what is required by the situation.’

Types of perfectionism

Perfectionism can manifest itself in different forms and affects people in varying ways. Psychologists have identified 3 main types of perfectionism:

Self-oriented perfectionism: you have unrealistic expectations for yourself and are highly self-critical when you fail to meet those expectations
Others-oriented perfectionism: you expect a lot from other people and don’t trust others to work to your own high standard
Socially prescribed perfectionism: you believe that other people expect perfection from you (e.g. society, family, friends, coworkers) and feel extreme pressure to meet these perceived external expectations

What are the signs of perfectionism?

Here are some signs you might be a perfectionist:

Unrealistic standards and expectations for yourself and others
A big fear of failure
Highly self-critical
Constantly going through cycles of go-go-go and burnout
Procrastinating often
Self-worth tied to your achievements/career/education
A belief that mistakes are unacceptable
All-or-nothing thinking
Difficulty delegating
Reluctant to celebrate achievements

Causes of perfectionism

The perfectionist way of thinking doesn’t just appear out of nowhere. It is often the result of multiple different experiences, expectations and personality traits that layer on top of each other.

Not everyone experiences perfectionism in the same way which means healing the perfectionist mindset needs to involve understanding where the trait originated from.

For example, I know that a lot of my perfectionism originated in the education system and from the bullying I experienced as a child. Knowing this helped me unpack the stories I used to tell myself about success.

Family/Childhood

The family environment you grew up in plays a big role in shaping your mindset and potentially developing your perfectionistic tendencies.

Parents high expectations

If you grew up in a household where love, validation or acceptance was tied to your achievements then you may have ended up believing you’re only worthy when you do exactly what your parents want (e.g. get good grades, do your chores perfectly).

Perfectionist parents

It could be that one of your parents had perfectionist traits and you picked them up by learning from them. For example, you had a mum who was highly self-critical, a workaholic and focused on results. Growing up you will believe that is a normal and healthy view of success.

Journal prompts:

How did my parents respond to my mistakes when I was growing up?
What expectations did my family have for my achievements?
Did I feel loved and accepted only when I succeeded?
How did my family’s attitudes towards success and failure shape my own beliefs?

Education system

The education system tends to be focused on achievement and academic success. At school, I constantly felt pressure and anxiety to go to university because I thought that was the only way I would be successful. I had no idea there were other options.

Some kids may develop a perfectionist mindset by believing that anything less than perfect in standardised tests is a failure.

Fear of failure, avoidance of risk and all-or-nothing thinking driven by anxiety start to develop in many children in the lead-up to GCSEs and A-Levels.

I remember having panic attacks during my A levels because I thought my life would be over if I didn’t get into university. The anxiety was so bad that I actually ended up failing some of my exams and having to retake.

Journal prompts:

What role did grades and academic success play in my self-worth during school?
Did I feel pressure from teachers or peers to always be at the top?
How did I react to academic challenges or setbacks in school?
Did I equate my value with my academic performance?

Bullying

If you were bullied in school you might have a belief that you’re ‘not good enough’ or ‘different’. Some people develop their perfectionist tendencies as a defence mechanism to prevent further judgement and avoid rejection from their peers.

It can also be a response to regain control of their lives and protect themselves from future harm. For example, I was bullied in school quite badly for the first couple years of secondary school and I remember thinking ‘If I just put my head down and study hard, I will be able to go to a good university away from the people bullying me’.

Journal prompts:

Was I ever bullied for making mistakes or not being “good enough”?
How did bullying or teasing affect my desire to be perfect?
Did I start striving for perfection as a way to avoid criticism or judgment from others?
How did my relationships with peers influence my self-esteem and need to be perfect?

Uncertainty

When life feels uncertain (e.g. transitions, crises etc…) you might develop perfectionist tendencies as a way of coping. For example, trying to control every aspect of your life and eliminate all mistakes so that you can prevent bad outcomes. It provides a false sense of security when life feels unpredictable.

Journal prompts:

Do I use perfectionism as a way to cope with uncertainty in my life?
When things feel out of control, do I feel the need to be perfect to regain stability?
How does fear of the unknown drive my perfectionistic tendencies?
What situations make me feel like I need to be perfect to avoid negative outcomes?

Culture

Some cultures have certain values that promote perfectionism (e.g. cultures that place a high value on achievement, status or appearance). If you’re part of this culture, you may feel a strong pressure to meet those societal expectations because the fear of falling short of those norms is too scary to think about.

For example, growing up I was constantly told that because I am a black woman, I need to work 10 times harder than everyone else to get to the same level of success because racism and sexism are rampant in society — that is A LOT for a kid to make sense of!

Journal prompts:

How do cultural standards of success influence my perfectionism?
Do I feel pressured by societal expectations to achieve perfection in certain areas?
How do cultural attitudes towards hard work and discipline affect my need to be perfect?
What sayings or cultural phrases encourage perfectionism?

Mental health problems

Perfectionism is often closely linked with mental health issues like anxiety and depression. People with anxiety may adopt perfectionist habits as a way to reduce uncertainty and depression can further fuel thoughts of not being good enough if high standards aren’t met.

People with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) may have perfectionist tendencies as a way to soothe their distress caused by intrusive thoughts or compulsive behaviours.

Journal prompts:

How does anxiety or depression contribute to my perfectionism?
Do I use perfectionism to manage feelings of worthlessness or low self-esteem?
How do mental health struggles impact my ability to accept anything less than perfect?
Do I feel that perfectionism helps me control my anxiety or other emotional challenges?

Social media

Social media can be a big source of perfectionism for a lot of people. We are constantly bombarded with information about other people’s amazingly perfect lives which can lead to unhealthy comparisons and the need to match your peers ‘perfect’ lives. It’s all promoting unrealistic standards.

Also, there is the problem where so many of us have a fear of judgement if we’re not following the norm because anyone nowadays can whip out their phone and post you online without your consent.

Your perfectionism may result from trying to keep up with everyone and maintain a certain image. This is why I highly recommend you go on a social media detox to break the cycle.

Journal prompts:

How does comparing myself to others on social media affect my need to be perfect?
Do I feel pressure to present a flawless image online? Why?
How often do I compare my achievements to what I see on social media?
How does social media influence my standards for success and appearance?

Workplace dynamics

Your perfectionist tendencies may develop later in your life from your workplace dynamics. For example, you work in an environment that places high importance on results and performance and is highly competitive. This type of environment can lead to chronic stress, overworking and burnout because you’re trying to meet unrealistic standards.

Also, being micromanaged may cause you to feel like you are constantly being scrutinised and evaluated which may cause you to develop perfectionist behaviours as a way to prove your competence.

Journal prompts:

Do I feel that only perfect work is recognised or rewarded in my job?
How does competition at work influence my need to be perfect?
Am I often micromanaged or criticised at work? How does this affect my perfectionism?
Do I struggle to delegate tasks because I believe only I can do them perfectly?

What triggered your perfectionism?

So after reading this article and answering the journal prompts — do you feel like you know where your perfectionism originated from?

Is it something you developed in your childhood from your family or culture? Or is it something that you developed as a teen through social media, school or as a defence mechanism from bullying? Maybe you only recently developed perfectionist tendencies as a result of your career.

Either way, now you know and knowledge is power. The more self-aware you are the better chance you have at healing your perfectionist mindset and living a productive life in alignment with your true values.

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Where Does Perfectionism Come From?

What is perfectionism?

Types of perfectionism

What are the signs of perfectionism?

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